What Is Empathy and Are We ALL Capable of Expressing It?

I’ve heard many individuals state that they don’t believe empathy to be something that anyone can express unless they have truly been through the same thing/event/situation as another individual.

This got me thinking, especially since as a therapist, I believe my first and most important rule when speaking to clients is to extend empathy. Without it, it’s hard for anyone to truly want to open up and be their real, genuine selves, so it’s definitely a requirement in my eyes.

However, I realize that most individuals don’t express empathy in the ways that others need it. Often times I see or hear others refer to being empathetic as what would actually be defined as sympathetic. Not that sympathy is a bad thing, there is definitely a time and place for it.

Expressing sympathy involves offering our care and compassion for other individuals going through tough times. For example, if you had a friend who lost their child in an unfortunate accident, your first response may be to say something like, “I am so incredibly sorry you are going through this”. That’s very kind, and very sympathetic.

But how would that conversation be different if you were trying to express a stronger level of empathy as opposed to sympathy?

My recommendation is that you first stop/slow down your own thoughts and interpretations about what that individual may be going through and how he/she experiences the world around them. Shut out the noise and distractions of the world around you, and focus on them.

What are their facial expressions telling you? Are they frowning, grimacing, lacking eye contact, crying, etc)? What about body language (arms crossed, slumped in a chair, tense/rigid body posture)? These nonverbal cues can give you a lot of information, unique to that person, that may be very important to take note of in that moment.

Why is it so important to be present and noticing these things FIRST? Once we have a decent idea of where another person stands mentally and emotionally -(based on pure physical observations) - we are then able to ask ourselves questions that will help us build upon true empathy. Questions such as, “If I went through _____________ (whatever the individual is dealing with), how would I feel?

Now, I realize that there could be a high likelihood that you would react much differently than others experiencing the same situation. But the effort should still be there to imagine what it’s like for them. Once you’re truly able to get ahold of their state of mind and being, you are more able to express your empathy appropriately. And if you don’t know how they are feeling, ASK!!!!

There are a variety of questions we can ask others who are struggling, starting with the most clear cut, direct ways. But you can also consider taking it a step further and asking them more detailed questions about their state of mind/being. For example, “Tell me more about how you are dealing with this?”, or “I can’t imagine what that must feel like, but I assume it’s so ________ (hard, sad, angering, etc.)” …

More importantly, remember that these tough times often call for silence. Yes, that means you may not even say anything at all. You may just benefit them by standing by their side and creating a space for them to feel what they are feeling, with zero expectation of answering yours, or anyone else’s questions.

Whatever you do - I highly recommend that you do NOT share about your own experiences if at one point in your life you went through the same thing. This completely invalidates others and keeps them from wanting to continue to share with or be around you. Because you just made it about YOU. Unintentionally, maybe. But you did. (We all do this from time to time, by the way, so just try to do better!)

True empathy is simply about sitting with another individual, acknowledging their pain, and often times just listening.

In the end, I believe that even if we haven’t been through the same struggles as another, we are all capable of expressing our sincerest empathy toward others. The challenge lies more with most people’s struggle to separate their own thoughts and feelings from the thoughts and feelings of another.

So… next time you’re in a situation where you feel someone needs your empathy and support, stay focused. Be mindful and attentive. And most importantly, listen.

It’ll make a world of difference in your close relationships with others!