Betrayal trauma is a profound emotional injury that occurs when someone we rely on for security, love, or connection violates that trust. Drawing from the insights of Jake Porter, a recognized expert in relational trauma and recovery, betrayal trauma is not just about the event itself — it’s about the deep attachment wounds it creates.
At its core, betrayal trauma occurs when the very person we expect to provide safety becomes a source of danger. This is particularly devastating because our brains are wired to form attachments that foster trust and stability. When that trust is shattered — whether through infidelity, deception, or broken promises — it triggers a unique type of trauma that disrupts our sense of safety and identity.
Betrayal trauma often creates a powerful internal conflict: the betrayed person may feel a strong urge to withdraw for self-protection, yet also crave closeness to maintain the relationship. This paradox can intensify feelings of confusion, fear, and emotional turmoil.
So you may be wondering, what are some of the key characteristics of betrayal trauma? With betrayal it’s not uncommon to see individuals experience attachment injuries. Since betrayal often happens in close relationships, it directly impacts our sense of security, triggering intense emotional pain. We also see relational dysregulation, meaning individuals who have been betrayed may be left feeling emotionally unstable, or caught between the need for connection and self-protection. Lastly, we see some nervous system disruption. Because betrayal trauma can activate the body’s survival responses, it often leaves individuals stuck in fight, flight, or freeze modes.
If you are navigating betrayal trauma in your own life, you may likely experience hypervigilence due to constantly scanning for signs of further betrayal. You may also experience emotional numbness, suppressing your feelings altogether. You may feel as if you have lost your sense of identity, or you question your self-worth, memories, and even your own reality. It is also not uncommon for someone to experience attachment anxiety, noticing that you feel desperate for reassurance while fearing abandonment at the same time.
So what does healing from betrayal trauma look like? It’s going to consist of an approach to healing that emphasizes safety, connection, and intentionality. Recovery isn’t just about understanding the betrayal — it’s about rebuilding trust with oneself and others. This means you will need to focus on 1)Establishing Safety: Before deep emotional processing can begin, it’s crucial to create a stable environment where the betrayed person feels secure, 2) Regulating the nervous system: Techniques such as grounding exercises, mindfulness, and breathing work help calm the body’s trauma response. 3) Creating meaningful connection: There is a lot of healing power that comes with authentic relationships - whether through therapy, support groups, or trusted friendships. 4) Rebuilding trust: This process requires consistency, transparency, and accountability — both from the betrayer and within oneself. And lastly 5) Developing a new narrative: Healing involves redefining one’s identity, beliefs, and sense of purpose beyond the trauma.
If reconciliation is possible, the betrayer will play a crucial role. Genuine remorse, empathy, and a commitment to rebuilding trust are vital. The betrayer must take ownership of their actions while supporting their partner’s emotional recovery. Betrayal trauma is deeply painful, yet healing is possible. Recovery requires both emotional safety and meaningful connection. By prioritizing these elements, individuals can reclaim their sense of security, identity, and well-being.
Kari Carter, CPC, APSATS- trained, ACC, ADOH peer facilitator-trained