As a therapist, it’s common to hear people say that they don’t feel “emotionally safe”… Safe enough to share something with someone else, or safe enough to “be themselves” around others. In my field, hearing such a statement makes complete sense, but over the past several years I have realized that others don’t always know how to interpret such a statement. It is my belief that truly understanding this term can be extremely beneficial for any and all relationships, as just the act of talking about emotional safety can put one at risk for getting hurt, which is what we should all be trying to avoid.
So, what does being “emotionally safe” actually mean??
It means trusting another individual with your most vulnerable self.
If I feel emotionally safe when speaking with you, that means that I not only trust you enough to share my deepest, darkest thoughts/secrets/desires, but I also trust that you will not hold it against me or use it to hurt me in the future.
Too many of us have experienced hard times and opened up to a friend or family member about those challenges, only to be hurt days/weeks/months later by that same person, who has begun using our difficulties against us, whether that be in an argument, just a general conversation, or a particular situation you may both enter into.
I want to use a personal example here, for your reference.
When I was married, I became close enough with my spouse that I categorized him as an emotionally safe person for me (as I would hope most married couples are able to do). Now, if you know me on a personal level, you know that I am very tight-lipped, often not openly sharing my true feelings or struggles with anyone. So when I get to a point in a relationship where I have decided that someone is trustworthy enough for me to be my most honest, genuine self, it’s a big deal.
Being vulnerable in those moments I shared felt so good. I felt loved, unconditionally. I felt accepted regardless of my struggles, and I felt that even if he didn’t quite see things from my perspective, he would always support me in whatever way he could. I can recall those moments as if it were yesterday. It was us against the world.
It is my belief that everyone should have at least one person in their life whom they feel they can share this level of trust and intimacy with. It’s what sets close relationships apart from others, and it is ultimately necessary for growth in each and every one of us. Without true vulnerability, one cannot push through their struggles to be better versions of themselves.
Unfortunately, in my marriage, about a year in, those vulnerable moments we shared ended up turning into what I could only classify as weaponry in our disagreements. I quickly began to realize that the most challenging part of my life and/or struggles that I had shared with him were now being thrown back at me when he was upset, as his way to point the finger toward me, while reminding me of my shortcomings while I was at my weakest, lowest point in life.
Let me tell you, there is nothing that hurts worse than having that person whom you have always felt closest to, take your vulnerability and crush it in their hands, not showing a care in the world for how it affects your feelings and/or future ability to trust others again. It hurts. It’s scary. And for me, it left me feeling hopeless. I knew I was no longer emotionally safe with him. Emotionally, he was tearing me apart inside, and it turned out that keeping our marriage healthy, without that emotional safety, was impossible to do.
By the way - I think it’s important to state that by giving this example, I am not intentionally trying to give him a bad name, nor do I want it to affect anyone else’s feelings toward him. The bottom line is, this is a very common occurrence in relationships, which is exactly why I believed it to be an important topic of discussion. We are all guilty of this at times (myself included) and therefore, we ALL need to do better.
So, with that being said, I want you to challenge yourself to sit back and truly be present when others choose to be their most vulnerable self with you. Honor that precious part of them that they have so boldly decided to share, and keep it safe. It requires a level of vulnerability to share our shortcomings with others, so next time you find yourself in such a conversation, take note of the effort that the other person is giving, and reinforce the reasons why they can continue to trust you.
Lastly, remember: Nothing positive ever comes out of trying to have a conversation when you’re angry. That’s exactly why the things that come out of our mouths when we are mad are often the same things that we later regret. When words are spewed out in anger, they can’t be taken back, and even with apologies, it often times leaves lifelong scars for the individual on the receiving end.
My hope is that if we all can gain a better understanding of emotional safety, that it will improve the overall ability of human kind to be their honest, genuine selves with others, which we could definitely use more of. So let’s do better at proving to others that they can trust us with their weaknesses. Let’s lift each other up instead of tearing each other down. Let’s be compassionate, graceful, emotionally safe people.
I believe in us!